Dear Katherine,
When I sat down for my in depth interview with my BBBS caseworker, Allison, she asked me what qualities I was looking for in a Little Sister. I told her that I was very open to any type of girl but she pressed me so I finally gave her some guiding points to help her in her search. She also wanted to know a lot about me, so that she could give information about me to a possible Little Sister match, and the parents of the girl as well. It was probably only a week later that Allison called me. Her voice was very animated and excited as she described you to me- my perfect match.
She said you were shy (so am I) and that you were very quiet and reflective (so am I). She also said you LOVE to read (so do I!) and that you are the oldest daughter of five siblings (me, too!). As it turns out, both of our biological fathers are in prison, and we both have a tendency to be overly responsible. I suppose that is a trait that comes with being the oldest in a single parent home. I had told Allison that I'm not really the type that is interested in hanging out at the mall all the time and I'm not really into keeping up with the latest fashions. When she told me you couldn't care less about those things, either, I knew we were perfect for each other and I couldn't wait to meet you.
I remember that first meeting and I'm sure you do, also. Allison and I came over to your house and I met your mother, siblings and of course- you! Pulling up to the house, I was reminded of my husband's childhood home. His parents had 11 children in a 3 bedroom, rundown house in the ghetto. I've been in the house many times and I recognized some similarities within your home. Immediately, I felt that I understood you a little more than most outsiders, because I have the inside view from my husband's experiences about what it is like growing up in poverty. He told me that there were times in his childhood that he could remember not having anything to eat. Sometimes they would go a week with nothing but rice on the table. Everything he ever owned was a hand-me-down, and not a "gently used" hand-me-down, either. Their family relied not on cheap, thrift store clothing, but on free charity handouts for clothing. My husband had two older brothers and five younger brothers. When the oldest got it first, the item was already badly worn out, and by the time my husband got it his two older brothers had already worn it and outgrown it. I'm sure you can imagine what it looked like by the time it made its way down the chain. My husband once got a pair of almost brand new name brand sneakers. They were his favorite possession ever because he got them first, before any other brothers, and they were Nikes. It didn't matter that he didn't like the color or wouldn't have chosen the design- he was just grateful to have almost new shoes with such a cool name brand.
My husband was highly conscious of his poverty as a child. He was ashamed of his house, his family car, his parents, his clothing and ultimately himself. This is the great tragedy of poverty, in my opinion. Children grow up equating themselves with their environment. I know my husband did. His family never had friends over because of the shame. You may or may not have any of these feelings about your home, but I want you to know that many people experience this kind of childhood. No, you never see it in the Disney movies, and no, we don't know anyone famous who lives like that, even though millions of Americans in every city and state experience hunger and poverty on a daily basis.
It is a fact that children in these circumstances start life several steps behind. They don't get the best education, they don't get the best health care and they don't get the best nutrition. If you live in the worst neighborhoods, you go to the worst schools and you have the least opportunity. The odds may be against you, but you can still come out strong. You can still overcome and live your dreams. I hope that you do.
I saw all of this in the split second that I walked up the steps to your house and knocked on the door. I don't just see the bad neighborhood and the dog chained to the front steps, I see your pain and your insecurity. I want to help. I have to remind myself what Allison said, and what BBBS stresses to us Big Sisters: we aren't here to change your circumstances. We aren't here to give you money and to buy you things. We are here to be your friend. As much as I want to change where you live and go to school, and as much as I want to buy you new clothes and pretty jewelry, I can't do those things. So, I need to work hard and be the best friend that I can be to you. I need to listen to you, take you seriously and be silly with you and put you at ease. I need to strive to be a better person so that I can set a good example for you; so that I can be a worthy mentor.
What about you, Katherine? What did I see when I first saw you? I'm smiling as I write this because I can remember exactly. I was sitting on the couch in the living room, talking to Allison and your mom when you finally shuffled in. What can I say? You are beautiful. You have gorgeous skin (I've always struggled with acne, and I'm jealous!) You have pretty blue eyes and wore glasses. Your light brown hair was pulled up tightly. If you looked at me, I never saw you; you must have been sneaky. You seemed completely uninterested in me, and I began to wonder if maybe this wasn't something you were really interested in, maybe it was something your mom was making you do. But, that wasn't the case. I couldn't even tell if you were listening as we talked, and you really hadn't spoken a word the whole time until I asked you if you had any ideas about what you wanted to do on our first date. You surprised me by speaking right up and telling me you wanted to go to the local Paint Your Own Pottery place. I smiled because you must have already been planning this.
Your mother told me a lot about you during that meeting. She said you were very shy and that you loved reading. She said you were a really good daughter and that you helped her tremendously with your family. When she mentioned your baby sister, you smiled shyly. You have the most adorable smile. It is so sweet because you try to hold it in, but it just leaks out all over your face through your cheeks, your lips and especially your blue eyes. You can't hide it when you smile. You have a special bond with your baby sister, just like I do with my baby brother. I understand that feeling completely. Your mom also told me you were very smart and got very good grades. She doesn't like it that you are so responsible and she wants you to have time to be a kid and to have fun. She wants you to gain confidence through this mentorship, and she wants you to get out of the house and to have fun- to be selfish for once. I think that's wonderful, Katherine. I know you and your mother have your difficulties (as all mothers and daughters do) but I know she wants the best for you, and I am grateful that she cared enough to put you in this program so that we could meet. You and your mom love each other and I want to encourage you to keep that relationship strong.
So! I met you, I met your mom and siblings, I saw your home and we made our plans for our first date together. I'm so glad we did.
Love,
Caroline
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